Friday, August 12, 2011

Regretfully yours....

Finally... time to blog! LOL ... no really, what else am I supposed to do when I'm at the airport for a flight delay ... ? so apologies again for delays but I have mentally been writing this post for quite a while.

It sort of fits into the envy series but it's more of a different nature. :)
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I am not one who really has any regrets but I guess if you start to be patient, then I will start saying well, I guess....

so here it is.

I regret that I have always carried my heart on my sleeve, even when I didn't realize it. I do... it's been a partial bane of my existance because it made me completely transparent when I thought I was being clever and guarding myself well.

I regret that my choice of confidant has not always had my best interests in view and a few times chose to enlighten those that I may have been .. .ah... well... I guess it could be considered slightly stalkerish but I choose to just call it a huge big ole crush. unrequited love if you will... is it really love if it's one sided?

I regret that I held persons who may or may not have been interested in me to a really unfair standard. There is absolutely no way you could have lived up to the guy in my head - you know the one I thought that didn't know ... but totally knew. Can we talk about total mortification... that deepens when you realize what he was thinking when a totally innocent situation then was escalated because 1. they didn't know what he meant and 2. I certainly didn't know what he meant. I've had a lot of time to analyze that one... It would be interesting to actually talk to him again and explain things but as of right now, there's a friends request on facebook but it hasn't been approved yet. and if his marital status is well... marital... i fear that I'd be even more mortified to actually explain in the face of the realization that what could have been really could have been if not for the extreme circumstances that caused us to be totally misguided.

to those that allowed me to be deeply, blissfully oblivious to the status of my 'hiding'... thank you. I was again, mortified to find out you did sorta know but I am grateful that we've never spoken of it. and thank you for still being a friend. your wife and children are lovely and I have nothing but best wishes for you all. (please note that this actually applies to a few people... not calling anyone out here... LOL ) On the other hand, if you would have called me out on it, maybe it would have eased my nerves and not every one of these other guys would have been as disasterous as they were.

so here it is... those are probably the only regrets.. well, other than not taking that bump in flight in May... lol ... and well, backing away when someone teasingly acted like he was going to kiss me. funny that... he also told my parents the first time he met them that we were getting married and sir, I remind you, I'm still waiting for a ring and an official proposal... LOL ... you know who you are. and if you don't remember exactly then yes, I will accept and review applications from all those that may think it was them. we're not getting any younger and I can forgive for not remembering.

where does this really leave me? well, this week, I decided that I have 2 years to turn a thing or two around. I have no intention of being the single fat chick at my 20th reunion and when I say that, I also mean that I have no intention of being the only virgin in the room. so something has to change. My goals at this point are to start an exercise program, cut down on artificial sweetners and soda pop so that I can lose weight and start to see some improvements in how I feel about myself.

I raise my decaf caramel macchiato to my regrets and wish them a sound good bye...!

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