Monday, May 30, 2011

envy... part 2

Okay... time again to overanalyze ourselves in this search to rid ourselves of envy issues.

Today's issue... 3rd or 5th wheel issues.

Most of us have been there, right? That strange little, odd, awkward situation that causes there to be an extra chair at the end of the table... an empty seat across from you...

the emptiness and loneliness of not having a hand to grab when you're walking around somewhere where you seem to be stopped and slowed at every turn by a couple who insist on walking side by side, hand in hand or hand in back pocket. (heaven forbid they're pushing a stroller or have a couple little cuties frolicking around by them... let's not even go to the place that lets us discuss guys having a guys night out with 3 generations. Although it would be interesting to follow up and find out how their wives felt about them feeding the 2 year olds, cotton candy at 9 pm... but I digress... these are also topics for future envy studies.) where were we... right... no one to lean back against when your back hurts or ... well, there's probably plenty of others...

It does sting a bit more when you realize that you again... again... are the only one in that position at a family dinner. Round tables are your friend but most often or not, the waitress sticks a chair on the end and you, because it seems silly to not, go ahead and sit on the end, sticking out like a sore thumb in the middle of the aisle. All this does is hammer home the fact that you are alone... let me say it again... ALONE!

Now again, this would not be so awkward if there were say, a niece or nephew for you to cuddle and take charge of because even though they are obviously not 'with' you... they ease the torment of the 3rd or 5th wheel situation for you because it does give you someone to even out the situation. Go ahead and entertain the notion of trying to beg and plead with someone to go along with you to family events... perhaps if they did, well, you could just claim it didn't work out later but that of course would be assuming you could find someone who might find you attractive enough to kiss you on occasion. *sigh* Good luck with that. and please let me know if you ever find that guy... I may need to borrow him... borrow, not pay... lol ...

It's envy that makes you feel this way... an emotional reaction to the things around you that makes you go - hey, i want that! I want that now!!. It doesn't work that way. You're not going to always get what you want. but like the song says... if you try... sometimes you get what you need.

But again now... who are you to know what you need. only God knows what you need and for the most part, he's blessed you with what you need. So stop trying to find other things that he's not determined are for you to have at this time.

Patience ... lots and lots of patience... (and chocolate) He will provide.

*peace N love*

Sunday, May 29, 2011

new project...

Fun bloggy thing for June that will be appearing right here....

:o)

Fast food...

necessity?

EVIL?

Let's face it... it's fast, cheap and the easiest dinner you can manage.

But there are plenty things out there that say we eat it too much... so here's the challenge...

I will be tracking and blogging my fast food situations - because I have a few things going that I think will make it seem rather interesting.

I am going to track coffee separately because I personally don't think it counts if there is no food... anyone reading, can certainly lump them in but I'm not going to.

June first... coming soon... and a new project starting on the other blog too... stay tuned to that for details.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Envy

*A several part piece about one of the unrealized afflictions*

this is part one.

**background** Sometimes, in spite of my blessings... I tend to get a bit bogged down in wishing for things that I don't have. and a long drive, full of plenty of time for self loathing... made me come to the realization that I have Envy issues. so... I figured maybe, I'll spend a little time blogging it and maybe it'll all ease away. Once I've worked through it. ;o) **


Envy.

Not something we really like to admit having thoughts of, usually.

Really? I mean, honestly... REALLY??

We see it in the development of a character on tv or a movie... in a book. And we can usually spot it a mile away. But how often do we really see it in the mirror?

Envy is fuel that drives people to do things the would never consider doing in the first place. However, it can also be what drives you crazy when you're alone. You think that what you have isn't as good as what others have. You focus on what you're missing without realizing it.

No boyfriend.

No kids... no nieces or nephews... no money or stable job security to seek adoption. Total frustration at the fact that you have siblings that are married and haven't - after a certain amount of time - provided you with nieces and nephews to spoil and to give reason to drive away every other weekend - every FREE Weekend regardless of weather to visit and spoil them ... because you don't want them to not know who you are.

No husband... no one to make you dinner or rub your back or feet when you are tense and stressed.

No one really in your life to give you a hug when you've had a bad day. and I don't mean just a hug... I mean a tightly wrapped up in a pair of strong arms and them letting you cry if you need to ... kind of hug. perhaps accompanied by a chaste kiss on the forehead and a promise of your favorite pint of ice cream later with one of those aforementioned back rubs.

But I may be slightly digressing and we'll certainly address the items above at some point during this examination of Envy.

Your concept of envy can be skewed and judgemental. You have to stop and take an inventory of how you got to that point. And be prepared to realize that everything you've thought before is completely off base and accept that there's nothing you can do about how things have turned out except ... well... accept them.

Be prepared to be completely horrified to find out that what you wished for in a fit of envy induced rage and self pity ... has somewhat come true. And you cannot let yourself feel badly for too long... it's not your fault. And it really doesn't - at this point- do you any good to hope that you can somehow make it better... for yourself. Not every little thing is something that can be addressed by you. Look in the mirror. Just look.

For instance....

Girl meets boy... thinks boy is hot... gets hired by boy to work for the company - while not girl's direct supervisor, still awkward as he's sort of a boss... Girl still thinks boy is hot. Finds it horrifying that boy only comes by store when girl looks frumpy and messy. Boy flirts with girl at every phone call or even when she looks frumpy and messy. Girl falls deeper and deeper into ... well, if it's one sided is it truly love?... anyway. Boy crushes Girl with announcement that he's getting married... because she's pregnant. (no, not Girl. ... haven't you paid attention? Girl is the one afflicted by envy... stick with it... )

Girl experiences breathtaking, bone crushing... depression spiraling jolt of reality and realization.

Boy is only 2 years older... his new wife is way... WAAAAAY older than both of them. And it's devistatingly shocking and clear to realize that in spite of everything, you're too old or too young for every male in your generation ... who should be looking at you to settle down with but apparently they all prefer the decade before you or after you. And you should want to pull your hair out. (at least in college it was a 2 year swing... now it's at least 10 - 15 years and it makes you shudder...)

Girl... in throws of envy fit... imagines all sorts of revenge for this stealing of boy. (later slightly ashamed at it all when she realizes that he never saw her that way...)

Time passes. Distance seems to heal. Newer distractions present themselves for Girl's amusement but all still one sided... mystery men in different country are a subject for another time. (and yes, I find it completely interesting that I have actually journaled all of this on my deadjournal that I don't use anymore... LOL well, at least up to the point that the situation was deemed over but really just dormant, apparently...)

Girl comes across boy on social media network. (yes, she looked. she's looked before but he wasn't there...) Sends friend request. Does NOT message as that may get awkward again in a hurry.

Finds out 2 weeks after 'friending' that the wife has been battling aggressive breast cancer for past 2 years. double masectomy... the works. and it hasn't worked. She's headed to different country to try to take advantage of medical treatment not available in the states.

Girl - understandibly and suitably - is horrified at previous bad envy induced wishes from 7 years previous. and is at a total loss as far as how to provide any comfort. and struggles to keep Envy tamped down and out of sight.

Envy wins this round again and again. It is clearly the worst case of coming face to face with your envy. But it's not your fault. You had no idea. At the moment it was all happening... admittadly, you had your wedding planned and the kids named for a relationship with someone that didn't see you that way. Forget how nicely you would have fit together family wise. Forget you talked to one of your cousins about how cute he was and the fact that maybe next Christmas, you'd both have a boyfriend at the party who had the same name as each other. So you saw her as the intruder, when it should have been clear that they'd actually been together off and on for quite some time and you were merely the love struck girl who took innocent teasing and flirting way too far and gave it too much weight and meaning ... because you were desperate and totally envious of those that had the relationship you longed for.

Everyone has a few regrets and there could be someone else that envies what you have managed to have, just as you envy what they have. Because they should have had that life with you or because they wish they were still single and blissfully (seemingly...) untouched by the pain, drama and emotionally draining situation they've been mired in for a while.

Next envy study coming soon...! I swear...!

*peace & love*





Hmm...

I guess I haven't been that great at blogging this year either.

I really am trying to stay up on it but it's now harder with 2 blogs to update and as you - the invisible you- who doesn't seem to read or notice my blog - may have noticed, they were both done the same day.

Well, no more... I honestly am trying to really be on to something.

I haven't even really written much and keep getting stumped and caught by major cases of writers block. Got to get that taken care of before November.

then again, I really want to be fully finished with last year's story before I have to start thinking about it again. *sigh*

One vacation down though... a couple more to go. plenty more later this year about those.

anyway, just a little post before I really post what's been on my heart lately. You know, the only things that matter and all.

love!