*A several part piece about one of the unrealized afflictions*
this is part one.
**background** Sometimes, in spite of my blessings... I tend to get a bit bogged down in wishing for things that I don't have. and a long drive, full of plenty of time for self loathing... made me come to the realization that I have Envy issues. so... I figured maybe, I'll spend a little time blogging it and maybe it'll all ease away. Once I've worked through it. ;o) **
Not something we really like to admit having thoughts of, usually.
Really? I mean, honestly... REALLY??
We see it in the development of a character on tv or a movie... in a book. And we can usually spot it a mile away. But how often do we really see it in the mirror?
Envy is fuel that drives people to do things the would never consider doing in the first place. However, it can also be what drives you crazy when you're alone. You think that what you have isn't as good as what others have. You focus on what you're missing without realizing it.
No kids... no nieces or nephews... no money or stable job security to seek adoption. Total frustration at the fact that you have siblings that are married and haven't - after a certain amount of time - provided you with nieces and nephews to spoil and to give reason to drive away every other weekend - every FREE Weekend regardless of weather to visit and spoil them ... because you don't want them to not know who you are.
No husband... no one to make you dinner or rub your back or feet when you are tense and stressed.
No one really in your life to give you a hug when you've had a bad day. and I don't mean just a hug... I mean a tightly wrapped up in a pair of strong arms and them letting you cry if you need to ... kind of hug. perhaps accompanied by a chaste kiss on the forehead and a promise of your favorite pint of ice cream later with one of those aforementioned back rubs.
But I may be slightly digressing and we'll certainly address the items above at some point during this examination of Envy.
Your concept of envy can be skewed and judgemental. You have to stop and take an inventory of how you got to that point. And be prepared to realize that everything you've thought before is completely off base and accept that there's nothing you can do about how things have turned out except ... well... accept them.
Be prepared to be completely horrified to find out that what you wished for in a fit of envy induced rage and self pity ... has somewhat come true. And you cannot let yourself feel badly for too long... it's not your fault. And it really doesn't - at this point- do you any good to hope that you can somehow make it better... for yourself. Not every little thing is something that can be addressed by you. Look in the mirror. Just look.
Girl meets boy... thinks boy is hot... gets hired by boy to work for the company - while not girl's direct supervisor, still awkward as he's sort of a boss... Girl still thinks boy is hot. Finds it horrifying that boy only comes by store when girl looks frumpy and messy. Boy flirts with girl at every phone call or even when she looks frumpy and messy. Girl falls deeper and deeper into ... well, if it's one sided is it truly love?... anyway. Boy crushes Girl with announcement that he's getting married... because she's pregnant. (no, not Girl. ... haven't you paid attention? Girl is the one afflicted by envy... stick with it... )
Girl experiences breathtaking, bone crushing... depression spiraling jolt of reality and realization.
Boy is only 2 years older... his new wife is way... WAAAAAY older than both of them. And it's devistatingly shocking and clear to realize that in spite of everything, you're too old or too young for every male in your generation ... who should be looking at you to settle down with but apparently they all prefer the decade before you or after you. And you should want to pull your hair out. (at least in college it was a 2 year swing... now it's at least 10 - 15 years and it makes you shudder...)
Girl... in throws of envy fit... imagines all sorts of revenge for this stealing of boy. (later slightly ashamed at it all when she realizes that he never saw her that way...)
Time passes. Distance seems to heal. Newer distractions present themselves for Girl's amusement but all still one sided... mystery men in different country are a subject for another time. (and yes, I find it completely interesting that I have actually journaled all of this on my deadjournal that I don't use anymore... LOL well, at least up to the point that the situation was deemed over but really just dormant, apparently...)
Girl comes across boy on social media network. (yes, she looked. she's looked before but he wasn't there...) Sends friend request. Does NOT message as that may get awkward again in a hurry.
Finds out 2 weeks after 'friending' that the wife has been battling aggressive breast cancer for past 2 years. double masectomy... the works. and it hasn't worked. She's headed to different country to try to take advantage of medical treatment not available in the states.
Girl - understandibly and suitably - is horrified at previous bad envy induced wishes from 7 years previous. and is at a total loss as far as how to provide any comfort. and struggles to keep Envy tamped down and out of sight.
Envy wins this round again and again. It is clearly the worst case of coming face to face with your envy. But it's not your fault. You had no idea. At the moment it was all happening... admittadly, you had your wedding planned and the kids named for a relationship with someone that didn't see you that way. Forget how nicely you would have fit together family wise. Forget you talked to one of your cousins about how cute he was and the fact that maybe next Christmas, you'd both have a boyfriend at the party who had the same name as each other. So you saw her as the intruder, when it should have been clear that they'd actually been together off and on for quite some time and you were merely the love struck girl who took innocent teasing and flirting way too far and gave it too much weight and meaning ... because you were desperate and totally envious of those that had the relationship you longed for.
Everyone has a few regrets and there could be someone else that envies what you have managed to have, just as you envy what they have. Because they should have had that life with you or because they wish they were still single and blissfully (seemingly...) untouched by the pain, drama and emotionally draining situation they've been mired in for a while.
Next envy study coming soon...! I swear...!
*peace & love*
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